I watched one episode of Days of Our Lives and it was a JOURNEY
Sitting down to watch an episode of Days of Our Lives — my first, and one that was picked at random for me — I admit I expected two drawn out conversations complemented by pensive expressions and uncomfortably long stares. What I got was so much more.
Opening
In the opening scene we see a woman, later discovered to be named Marlena (yes, she's old) flatlining in hospital for an excessively long period of time, while a man watches on appearing to cry but with no tears.
Only then we're transported to another world, where a random guy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with tigers on it tells her she's dead. Already I'm loving afterlife fashion.
The room she's in looks like a very budget purgatory, and I'm here for it. Marlena and the man begin to talk about cheating death and I thought this was a thing that only happened in The Sims.
Tiger Shirt Man tells Marlena he's here to take her to 'where she belongs' but not without calling upon 'Princess Gina' for help.
Marlena looks FILTHY when she sees Gina. They acknowledge each other the same way I acknowledge a trash can, and it's clear Gina is here not to help, but to cause drama… which, we love.
As she's about to enter into Hell we get the "No stop!" that we'd been waiting for. Not even joking — that's the new man's exact line.
For the record, this new man is identical to Tiger Shirt Man but wearing a suit.
"He's just trying to trick you so he can steal your soul. So he can take your place in Heaven and send you straight to Hell," yells suit man.
THIS IS THE STUFF I'D BEEN WAITING FOR.
Marlena is furious at Tiger Shirt Man for trying to take her soul, while he reiterates she does belong in Hell by recalling all the murders Marlena's done.
The tally comes to four:
- 1x choking on a powdered donut
- 1x throat slit in the kitchen
- 1x bludgeoned with a bottle of liquor
- 1x unspecified (I'm going take a guess and say it has a culinary connection)
HOW IS THIS WOMAN NOT LOCKED UP? We should rename Days of Our Lives to Days Staying Out of Prison.
A screen drops from nowhere and it's time to look into Marlena's past.
The past
Marlena's past is a legitimate horror film. At one stage she TRANSFORMS into a monster. There's fire. She becomes possessed and floats in the air above her bed. The music is creepy as.
"That's not me. I was possessed," defends Marlena back in budget purgatory.
WHAT AM I WATCHING AND WHY CAN'T I STOP?
After seeing her past it appears she's going to follow Hawaiian Tiger Shirt Man to Hell BUT THEN SHE PUSHES him in at the last second. So here for this semi-obvious plot twist.
The suited dude tells Marlene she's NOT DEAD YET. I don't believe it because at this rate she's been flatlining for at least 15 minutes.
He points to a Tiffany Blue-coloured door that she can open to get back to living. Only she's either too weak or not classy enough (you know, Tiffany colour) to open the door. It's oddly satisfying watching her try.
In another flashback she's embracing fond memories with her beloved. The highlight? A man dropping this ICONIC bombshell: "Every time I marry you I think it's the best wedding ever, but this one just topped them all."
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU MARRIED THE SAME MAN?
… SHE STILL CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR.
Princess Gina is back (after what appears to be a trip to Hell for an outfit change) and is enjoying seeing Marlena struggle almost as much as I am.
The suited man then sits Marlena down to watch the future… because clearly her past isn't inspiring her enough to live.
The future
Marlena's grandson (who's adorably gay and good looking) kills another gay guy who I'm guessing is a predator and conveniently looks like an evil vampire. He goes to jail.
Marlena's granddaughter sells another woman's baby on the black market. She goes to jail.
Marlena's daughter (who seems so down to earth that it's a bit disconcerting) is carrying the ashes as two drunk brothers who're fighting cause the ashes to go crashing to the floor. Apparently they both slept with Sarah?
And the man she's been married to at least three times already has moved on, and is getting married to a Marlena lookalike who chews gum at the altar before spitting it in her hand. The two then embrace in a kiss that makes me want to send them to Hell. THERE'S ALSO ONLY ONE GUEST AT THE WEDDING.
Finally, upon seeing the horrific future without her in it (without realising it could really be just as bad with her in it), Marlena attempts to open the door again. This is where the episode ends — which means I'll be coming back tomorrow to find out if Marlena wakes up after flatlining for an eternity.
I expected Days of Our Lives to be scandalous, but I wasn't prepared for just how gloriously dramatic, over the top and supernatural it would be. As a 25-year-old man I will happily admit I'm hooked.